Anatomy of an Abusive Relationship

A batterer can be hard to detect at the onset of a relationship, but it is true that domestic violence does build in a clear, charismatic pattern. The woman is effectively brainwashed through a series of steps that follow.

The batterer degrades her into believing that she is incompetent and incapable of managing the simplest tasks of daily life or personal interactions. When she expresses dissatisfaction or unhappiness, he convinces her that she is to blame. He makes her believe that if she would only change, if she would only do as he says, their life together would be as perfect and as happy as they know it can be. He will create most, if not all, of the following circumstances.

Separation

Once the relationship is established, the batterer will do everything possible to separate his victim from her support system of friends and family. He may isolate her by repeatedly making appointments with the people she loves and respects, only to cancel them at the last moment. He may do this through broken promises, or by becoming involved in bitter disagreements with her nearest and dearest so he can demand that she choose between him and them. He will distort her understanding of reality by constantly insisting that her friends and family are enemies of their relationship and blaming them for the couple's unhappiness. He will say that he is the only one in the world who cares for her. He will try to destroy her confidence in who she loves. She should know who her real friends are, but he will insist that it is necessary for him to separate her from these people "for her own good." None of this is true. He is setting up the first step in her journey to chaos.

Sometimes he is suspicious of any conversation she has with anyone under any circumstances and demands to know every word that is said. He may even insist upon listening in or recording all her telephone conversations. This makes communication difficult at best, and actually dangerous. The battered woman, her friends or family, may find that keeping contact becomes so difficult and has such dangerous consequences that it is easier to simply give up. If long time friends and family members are not permitted to talk with a woman alone, chances are she is being battered.

He will find a reason to move to another city, community or state. He will do this under some pretext that seems convincing at the time and which may be acceptable or even admirable to her friends and family. But afterward, she is isolated and becomes increasingly dependent on him for human contact. This is particularly insidious because her unhealthy interaction with him replaces truly normal ways of relating to other people.

By the time her family and friends realize something is very wrong, it may be too late. He will have begun to dominate her and will attempt to dominate conversations and situations.

Surveillance

The batterer is manipulative, domineering, and demanding. He expects the woman to keep him informed of her whereabouts at all times. This soon escalates to an oppressive, tyrannical demand. The abusive man says he absolutely needs her constant presence. If he cannot force her to quit her job, he may appear at her place of work so often that it is impossible for her to do her job. He may insist on taking her to work, meeting her for lunch, seeing or telephoning her on her breaks and picking her up after work.

Inordinate and often delusional jealousy also characterizes the batterer. While the fact is that most battered women are simply so physically and emotionally exhausted that the last thing in the world that they are interested in is an affair or even casual flirtation, the batterer will accuse her of every form of seductive behavior. He may criticize her walk, mannerisms, conversation, or clothing. The batterer's accusations seem to come out of nowhere.

One particular eerie aspect of many batterers' behaviors is the verbal abuse during which the woman becomes a mirror of his own failures and inadequacies. A batterer may accuse his partner of pathological lying, incompetence, stupidity or socially unacceptable behavior. He may accuse her of infidelity when that is what he is who is being disloyal.

Exhaustion & Hunger

Once she has been separated from her lifelong support system of family and friends, the batterer will find a way to keep the woman exhausted and/or hungry. He may deprive her of her sleep or food. He may insist on keeping very late hours and awaken her in the middle of the night or early in the morning. He may involve her in a project such as building a new home or starting a new business, or keep her overwhelmed with social or business activity, which require long hours or intensive physical labor. All of this activity has come about totally by his choice, not hers. She is so exhausted and/or hungry, she can't think clearly. Her thinking becomes chaotic.

Hostility & Paranoia

It is possible that he will become violent, verbally abusive, or extremely defensive with others. He may throw food, break furniture, burn or tear up her clothing, and threaten not only her life but the lives of her children and extended family as well. He may even become enraged when his plans are changed in any way. He may have a distorted view of reality. He may even be charming in public yet brutal in private. Through a combination of tactics, the batterer confuses the woman so thoroughly that she begins to depend on him to define reality. If she somehow manages to maintain her own reality, she will realize that she is living in a world of nightmarish distortions.

Chemical Dependence

The batterer will often encourage a woman to become alcohol and drug dependent as a way to control her and to keep her dependant on him as the source for providing drugs and/or alcohol. This is particularly prevalent when the batterer himself uses drugs or alcohol. He may insist that she accompany him on his binges. If she refuses, he may resort to adding drugs or alcohol to her food and drink without her knowledge.

Financial Dependence

Since his goal is to achieve total control of his victim, the batterer will seek to make her financially as well as emotionally dependent upon him. He may convince her to quit her job and stop seeing her former associates, colleagues or coworkers. He may not permit her to work in a situation where she can control her own money by telling her that he is the provider for the family and he would be devastated if she had a "menial job." He may convince her that he is so wealthy she no longer needs to work outside of the home. Or he may insist that her working outside the home hurts his pride or his community standing. Once she stops working and no longer has an income, he will convince her to spend any money she saved before their relationship for such apparently acceptable purposes as an elaborate wedding, a dream vacation, a house, a car, a boat or some other luxury.

Financial Deprivation

When she becomes financially dependent upon him, money will become a real and overwhelming issue in her life because no matter what he earns, he will see to it that she never has enough to make ends meet. Even the rich are battered, and even the very wealthy women are kept penniless.

The batterer will take out as much money as he wants, then makes a great issue of turning the remainder of his paycheck over to the victim. This will often not be sufficient to cover everyday household expenses, to pay regular bills, or to provide her with pocket money. He will demand to know exactly where every penny was spent and why. And he will become furious when she can't manage to provide for the normal household expenses or pay the bills with what money he has given her.

He will somehow prevent her from having transportation. He may sabotage her car or convince her that as a couple or a family they only need one vehicle. At this stage, the woman will find that she is spending little, if anything on herself. She never buys new clothes, she has begun looking bedraggled, and her clothes appear shabby. Whatever the particulars, she looks different, and worse.

Insecurity

Even the strongest person becomes vulnerable when she is alone in unfamiliar surroundings. Her vulnerability will be enforced as he convinces her that she is the cause of everything wrong in their relationship, including his abusive behavior. As she begins to doubt that she ever had a mind, he will keep undermining her already diminishing self-confidence. He will convince her that she is stupid and ugly, incompetent to deal with even the most elementary situations without his help and guidance. As she becomes more and more insecure, she becomes more and more dependent upon him.

Battering

Once she is separate from her friends and family, located in unfamiliar surroundings, convinced that she is incompetent to function fully as an adult, and dependent on him for all her needs, she is truly his hostage. Now the physical violence begins.

Battering typically starts with irrational arguments followed by mild threats. It escalates to shoving then pushing, hitting and slapping. It grows progressively more severe until it includes hitting with heavy objects, using or threatening to use guns, knives or other weapons, choking, stabbing, and other life-threatening acts. Somehow, she still thinks she can use reason or logic to make him stop. This is unreasonable and illogical. She never made him start, and she cannot make him stop.

Sexual Demands, Sexual Violence, & Sexual Peculiarities

The batterer's sexual preferences usually have little to do with love and affection and a lot to do with dominance and subjugation. Sex on demand, rape, and brutal, violent, or degrading sexual acts may be part of the batterer's repertoire as he psychologically and physically destroys his victim.

Guilt & Denial

The battered woman is ashamed of what has become of her relationship and her life. Overwhelmed by fear and guilt, and made to feel that she is responsible for her own abuse, the battered woman begins to accept responsibility for causing his anger. Typically, she denies to outsiders that anything is wrong in her life. She protects the batterer by lying about her bruises or injuries. If her injuries are life threatening or severe enough to require medical attention (and if the batterer allows her to receive medical attention), he expects her to make excuses to medical personnel and to attribute her injuries to accidental causes.

Guilt is an element that cannot be ignored. The batterer says and does things that make the woman accept feelings of guilt for causing the abuse in the relationship. He tells her that it is all her fault or that she is in some way to blame for his abusive behavior. In her dependent state, she is ashamed that she cannot be a better wife, a better housekeeper, a better mother, or better at any of the things that might somehow make him stop battering her.